Once agian it has been a while (almost a year) and I have grown so much, I have mature it seems though, little.

I've found God, and Ive lost him. All the while I feel like Ive just been lying about everything all along anyways.

Perhaps I am alone.

Sometimes I lie awake at night. I think. I think, what if I am alone, and there really is no God. What if, worse, he doesn't give a damn? Its as if I lie to myself, everyday. Every moment I am awake. And the only time I can really, honestly, talk to myself truthfully, is when I think everyones asleep.

I live in fear.
I'm captivated by my immobility.

I realize that this is no different from anyone else. Its like the lies are the only things within our grasp. It seems like we can't ever come to terms with ourselves - with out the euphemisms and polite smiles. It makes me very, very sick.

But what am I suppose to do about it?
I'm caught up in the delusions too.